Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Preparation

I was going through some old emails and came across this little list that my good friend Allison sent me after I told her I was pregnant. I thought everyone would get a good laugh out of it!

HOW TO PREPARE FOR BREASTFEEDING:

  1. Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
  2. Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes siting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
  3. Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
  4. Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
  5. Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one brast and set on 'medium pile.' turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
  6. Day 6: Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."
  7. Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and sqeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
  8. Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each chest area.
  9. Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 am, 3 am, and 5 am.
  10. Day 10: Slather your brasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.
  11. Day 11: Go someplace public and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
  12. Day 12: Suckle a wolverine.

Hope you all enjoyed them as much as I did! My personal favorite was #10!!

3 comments:

The Bible Family said...

Hopefully soon I can let you know if it is really this bad. If it truly is, I will deliver the peanut butter and bird seed to your home so you are more prepared than me!!

kelly said...

I can run some over to you tonight, Jen....it's not too late for you to practice!!!

Amy said...

Ha ! Ha! very cute and yet alittle true!!
one thats not there, after a sneeze you feel a warm yet on the bra region and down below!
mommyhood is well losts of modesty!

congratulations!! and welcome!