HOW TO PREPARE FOR BREASTFEEDING:
- Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
- Day 2: At bedtime, set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes siting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
- Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."
- Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.
- Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one brast and set on 'medium pile.' turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
- Day 6: Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."
- Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and sqeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
- Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each chest area.
- Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 am, 3 am, and 5 am.
- Day 10: Slather your brasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your backyard.
- Day 11: Go someplace public and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.
- Day 12: Suckle a wolverine.
Hope you all enjoyed them as much as I did! My personal favorite was #10!!